you’ll find me where the yellow things are
February, 2024
When my sister was in kindergarten, she was tasked with a sunflower project. She planted hundreds of sunflower seeds in little cardboard planters, and planted any seedlings that grew into the ground soil in front of our home. The sunflowers grew taller than the both of us, and served not only as a source of pride for my little sister, but as a source of joy for our family. As the years went on, I never forgot this sunflower project, but it wasn’t until later in life that I really came back to sunflowers in a meaningful way, and more specifically, in the form of their color— yellow.
They say to use every opportunity that you’re given to the fullest extent possible, and I took this to the extreme in college. I double majored in Biochemistry & Molecular Biology and Neuroscience. I ran varsity cross-country, indoor track, and outdoor track. I joined clubs, I got A’s, and I was determined to give everything I did 100%. I was thankful for everything that I had—I was lucky to be surrounded by amazing people, at my first-choice school, doing some of my favorite things. Yet, at the same time, my already shaky mental health came to a head. While I was doing everything right on the surface, I was neglecting the most important thing—taking care of myself.
In college, an eating disorder that I had been struggling with for years was finally formally diagnosed. Alongside my anxiety and depression, the eating disorder grew to be so impactful that during my senior year, I had to take a brief leave from campus to receive treatment for the first time. Though I returned to campus to finish out my undergraduate career, I still struggled, and things only became worse after my first semester of graduate school. I don’t think that it would be beneficial for anyone, including my present self, to share the details of my struggles for the few years post-college here, except to say that they were hard years. Yes, of course I had my joyful moments. I was lucky to have a support system, a treatment team, and even my pet bunny, Ollie! And, at the same time, I was struggling immensely. I found myself in and out of residential treatment centers and partial hospitalization programs. I would start to find my way to recovery, then slip back into the eating disorder, a cycle that occurred many times. There were days, and even months, during which I saw no end to the cycle I was trapped in. I didn’t see a way out of my eating disorder, and still dealt with other mental illnesses to boot.
I think the most meaningful thing for me to share here is part of what got me back on my feet. I say “part of,” because there’s no way that my words can even begin to cover everything that went into my recovery. First off, I was lucky to have both friends and family that stuck with me even through versions of myself that were not even close to the real me. Those versions of me were perpetually distant, sad, angry, frustrated, and even hateful at times. I’m not proud of who I became but I AM proud of doing my very best to survive, and taking care of myself in the best way that I could. I was also incredibly lucky to have access to treatment. While some treatment programs, particularly residential stays, were toxic and detrimental to my progress, others (one in particular) truly saved my life. Treatment was so, so hard—I won’t sugarcoat that. But, it was treatment that forced me to face my mental illnesses straight on. To learn the underlying causes of my thought patterns and behavior. To learn how to better cope with intrusive thoughts, how to channel anxiety into productivity, and how to use my resources to better myself. Through treatment, I was able to find my way back to the happy girl that I’ve always been, but who had been hidden away for a while.
Along the way, during some of the MOST difficult few months of my treatment journey and of my personal life in general, something very special happened. I reached out to my Instagram followers asking for pictures of any yellow things that they came across in their everyday lives. Yellow had become my favorite color, representing pure joy, like the sunflowers my family once grew. Through yellow pictures, I simply wanted to add some positivity to my life, while everything seemed to crumble around me. I did not expect in the slightest what came next—an influx of pictures from friends, family, and acquaintances, near and far, day after day. I reached at least 200 pictures of yellow things, and with each photo received, I gained a smile. A glimpse of light. A spark of hope. I felt so loved, being contacted by people I hadn’t spoken to in years. And I absolutely loved looking at such bright, joyful images.
The yellow things aren’t the reason that I recovered. I recovered because I FOUGHT, day after day for years, to find my way back to myself. And I did so with the support of others. However, the yellow things did greatly contribute to my recovery, in ways that those who sent the photos might not even know! The yellow things gave me joy when I struggled to find it elsewhere. They gave me hope, bits of light, and a reason to keep going. Even today, I have a “yellow things” photo album on my phone from that time, that I scroll through on difficult days. Each photo is meaningful to me because of the person who stood behind the camera to take it.
I have, for a long time, been trying to think of a way to incorporate the yellow things into something I could share. That’s how “where the yellow things are” comes in. This website and blog, along with my Instagram page, are meant to serve as a space where you can share your yellow things with me, and I can share them with this community. Where I can write about my insights, and post inspiration and positive messages. Where we can be a community striving to better understand and de-stigmatize mental health, while lifting each other up. Where we can learn and grow. I hope that you’ll come along with me to appreciate all things yellow and to make the world a little bit happier:) Wherever there is yellow, there is a way.
